Calling All Wise Men & Women
Exactly how long should it take of living in one place to realize once and for all that you don’t belong there? Is there a cut-off date? When are you past the point of putting yourself through hell to try and make it? I have tried so hard to be happy here. I have made some friends and somehow lost most of them. I can’t help feel like a weakling wanting to leave. For me that would be giving up. Have I done everything I can to try and make it here? I feel like there’s always something else I could do to make myself happier. But that could be what is perpetuating my unhappiness. I want someone to tell me that I have tried hard enough. That it is time to move on. That I am not being a coward for admitting defeat. This place is no longer where I belong or where I want to be. As long as I finish what I have started can I leave with my dignity intact? Or should I face reality and know that no matter where I am, only I can make myself happy?
Some days I am learning who I am. Some days I am forgetting who I am.
But today I learned that I am someone who has difficulty separating myself from other’s emotions. This can be helpful, but it can also put you in a terribly bad mood.
Life
How in the world are we ever supposed to be sure of anything? Most likely, there will be at least one person in the world who contradicts exactly what another person swears is true. Most of us get our facts from popular media, but how do they know what is true? You can never ever be sure that what one person sees is exactly what you see. You would have to be a part of their consciousness. Impossible. I am learning that the old saying “the more you see, the less you know” is quite true. The more people I meet, the more I learn, and the more situations that I am in makes me less sure of what this “life” thing is about and it’s purpose. I wonder how the hardcore believers in something convinced themselves. If they really know all sides of the story or just chose to stick to something because it is easier than trying to figure everything out. It’s been an interesting few weeks in my hometown. I’ve been away for two years and no longer recognize people on the street. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I feel about anything. All I know is that it’s easy to see beauty in something. But to know that someone else finds beauty in that same thing and can share it with you, is to me, one of the most precious things in life.
